why is it doing this?

i searched "when your heart flutters what does that mean?" on google yesterday and it said: Common Everyday Triggers- Stress and anxiety: High emotions trigger a fight-or-flight response that speeds up your heartbeat. Stimulants: Consuming caffeine (like coffee or energy drinks), nicotine, or certain cold medicines with pseudoephedrine can stimulate your heart. Dehydration: Low fluid levels in your body force your heart to work harder to pump blood. Lifestyle factors: Intense physical exercise, lack of sleep, or heavy alcohol use can make you more aware of your heartbeat. Hormones and health: Changes during pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, fever, or an overactive thyroid can also cause flutters.
well, considering i only have 1 or 2 cans of pop a day at the most- i highly doubt it's that because i used to drink more pop and my heart never fluttered. nicotine.. i don't smoke, the first puff of a cigarette would probably kill me and besides that- THEY STINK. i don't remember the last time i had a cold to take cold medicine.. so that possibility is out. i'm not as active as i used to be and so i'm also doubting the "intense physical excercise" suggestion, could be lack of sleep and i don't drink alcohol enough for it to be considered "heavy". i'm really thinking it's dehydration related even though ALL i drink now is water, along with one or two cans of mt. dew. i know my mom has (maybe HAD but i doubt it) migraines which are caused by dehydration. that's why they pump her with shots of water and botox when she goes to the emergency room. i've had botox but i'm pretty sure i first started getting pumped with shots of botox at least 10 years before she did and i had it in everything from opening my hands up (because they used to be closed from muscle tone after i was in a car accident and i had to have my hands/fingers casted open) to my neck, arms, and legs. however- i'm thinking that my heart also never used to flutter because of the ARP therapy i used to get because i remember how they used to encourage me to drink water so it would be more effective and i'm thinking the fluid that tram used to use in his arp box thing used to have something that hydrated me? i'm no expert but i'm really thinking that it's fluttering now because the difference in how i used to be more hydrated and my body thinks it should have the same level of hydration as back then- i'm aware i'm far from a doctor.. so i really don't know but that's about the only reason for it i can come up with (other than the only relative i'm aware of having issues with their heart was my grandpa- but he also used to smoke.. which like i said- i don't smoke because it'd probably kill me the first puff.. i wonder if my dad's side of the family had cardiac issues?). even when i'm just laying in bed, my heart will flutter every now and then- i actually got a quick stabbing pain a few days ago in my heart. i'm also guaranteeing that's probably a reason why my psychologist told me not to think about my mom because i noticed my heart starting to flutter when i was thinking about her once. SO THANKS MOM! YOU CAUSE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER TO HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS! i'm sure she doesn't care. if anything- she feels proud that she actually has an affect on someone. she doesn't give a damn if she causes her own daughter to have anxiety.. SHE'S JUST HAPPY THAT SHE COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE! also because it's not her favorite daughter.. so who gives a damn! i'm convinced that she doesn't like my brother and i as much as she favors her youngest daughter. could have something to do with how my brother and i have different fathers than my sister and our father traumatized her more, so she figures she has to take it out on us? both men used to beat on her. oh well. she can't give me anything i couldn't get from anyone/anywhere else. after a while without support from your own mother, you learn to find it other places!.. besides, if she just all of a sudden started offering me "support" now- it wouldn't be genuine so it wouldn't matter- AND BESIDES THAT: she doesn't know how to give the support i need! too little, too late.
heh, fredrick just made the observation that he thinks i could be a good secretary because i type fast and how much i've typed just in this blog entry. he also said, "AND YOU'RE A GOOD SPELLER!.. THERE'S NO GRAMATICAL ERRORS! WOW! LOOK AT THAT!" glad someone noticed my talents.. i'm not sure if it'll actually pay off though. shit doesn't tend to work for me. i managed to schedule more interviews for this week coming up- even if they're just virtual, it gets me closer to being hired. i've also noticed the more i talk about getting a job/interviews, the less my mom and sister seem to be interested in my blog. because they can't relate and it's of NO INTEREST to them? they only enjoy seeing me fail and shit not work out for me because misery loves company? thanks assholes, you've just motivated me to get more job interviews!

sleep stats..

i didn't know i slept so little.. just looking at these sleep stats from my happysleep ring. i slept 6 hours and 20 minutes last night. the sleep quality was 77% and breathing quality 96%. i thought my breathing quality was worse than that- but i guess not. i honestly thought i get at least 7 hours of sleep a night but not according to these stats. ics is gonna help me check with happysleep on what to do from here on monday. does fatsy wanna copy my sleeping problems too? she's gotta if she wants to be like me. point is- i go through A LOT of shit just to even exist. i don't just depend on fuckin hand-outs and do nothing all day. i would honestly kill myself if my life was that boring and unconstructive. but maybe that's the point of keeping me from doing things and not being more supportive of me to actually be useful and productive. so i have more time to think about all the things i can't physically do anymore and how much of a useless person i am. THANKS AMANDA FOR HELPING ME!! if i would be forced to go back to courage kenny- i'd get myself kicked outta the facility- i can guarantee you that i'd snap because of the therapists there trying to tell me i can't do certain things because of LIABILITY. it's like people don't care enough about me to help me get to where I want, so i can be constructive and truly useful- NOT JUST PEDDLING MY FUCKIN FEET AND PUSHING AND PULLING BARS AT THE SAME TIME (WHILE SITTING, OF COURSE) AND CALLING IT "PROGRESSING". PROGRESSING AT WHAT?! TURNING INTO A USELESS ROCK?! screw you guys who think i should be grateful for the minimum- when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. i was thinking.. i wonder if courage kenny is pulling this "liability" bullshit outta their asses and refusing to help ACTUALLY help me physically so i'm ABLE to do things the normal healthy person does- like walk because they found out about details from the car accident i was in? that's fine. i'd rather not go to some place that just assists people who have advocacy that can stroke their dicks. everyone else with a lack of caring, knowledgable advocacy is fucked then- they're just shoved on machines that my living room wall could operate. if amanda and/or anyone else thinks i'm just making this shit up- ask them the last time they PERSONALLY attended courage kenny with me when i used to waste my time there. "YOU GOT THIS!" okay then.. let me do what the fuck I want and support and encourage me, otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling people you're actually trying to help me because YOU DIDN'T HELP ME THE LAST TIME I CALLED YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM (i think it was because i stopped breathing while sleeping and my heart was fluttering). or there was the time when i was still wasting my time at the burnsville dump and i fell outta my wheelchair on the icy parking lot and almost busted my head open- i just had to have stitches above my eye and i had a huge bump on my head. YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR BIG SIS SO BAD NOW, FATSY?! i've been through shit that i didn't have the option of taking the easy way out with an abortion. OH! MAYBE BECAUSE I KEPT MY LEGS SHUT AND I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL (OR THE DEPO SHOT A LONG TIME AGO) SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
i'm on the second to last step for the massachusetts housing company i've applied to (and had to reject a previous housing offer because amy claimed it was so short notice and i had just applied to the housing company (i looked on the account itself after she said that shit and i think it said i had been a member of the housing company for around 7 years?)). i don't enjoy being gaslighted- i don't care how mentally disabled you THINK i am. you work for me. you're supposed to be supportive of my goals for myself, so things work out smoothly in my life without problems (which would probably cost me monetarily in the end). i know what's BEST for MY own life- my grandma told me straight out that i have my head on my shoulders, that's why she didn't have someone be my guardian. if you actually knew how to do your job, you'd know that though, because I am the client.. NOT AMANDA, not any of my other family members. amanda can't even answer the phone for me when i'm in the emergency room- SHE CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW UP ON THE CALL! YOU GOT THIS! i knew who to call that would actually lend care and support- my cousin joe. I know what's best for MY life. i can honestly see why brian used to ask me if i wanted to hire an advocate (before joe came along). my grandma's overconfident, naive ass had all this confidence in amanda to "GET YOU {ME} TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* she didn't consider that amanda is too busy with her own life to be bothered with her vulnerable adult cousin's. she doesn't understand the amount of support a person with a traumatic brain injury who has already lived INDEPENDENTLY in two apartments before this one (with minimum support in an assisted living program). DISABLED PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! *gasp* some require more assistance than the others. you don't see me or anyone else assuming all stylists are the same. i don't just go assuming they ALL know how to do the SAME things. check yourself.

"imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".. except when they're attempting to drag you down to their level and cling to you.

i viewed my stats for my blog this morning, there's always someone that finds the desire to read my blog at about 8 am.. i was trying to determine who that might be- i'm pretty sure it's my sister. she finds the need to stalk me and has told the flying monkey about this blog too i'm sure. i don't know exactly why she reads my blog so much but i think she may be looking for short-cuts in life to get her further.. she assumes it HAD to be easy to get where i am because like everyone and their mom- they underestimate me and think any idiot can do what i do while completely IGNORING the shit i've been through to get where i am today. like she figures just because i can get where i am today- SHE MUST BE ABLE TO ALSO BECAUSE OF DNA OR SOME BULLSHIT. let me remind her.. dna comes from TWO PARENTS and we have the same part of dna which is "disabled" or so she tries to portray anyway. she cannot do what i've done to get as far as i am JUST because of dna (if that theory worked- only my brother could get to where i am.. which he HAS and further with his job in welding). she can attempt to step on me because dna similarities but i hate to tell her that I AM NOT GRANDMA. it doesn't matter how similar of a personality i have to grandma's- i'm not gonna waste my time allowing your fat ass to step on me to get further in life like you did when you PUSHED grandma on her ass at my apartment (later on laughing about it with your monkey ass boyfriend) after she attempted to help you get your GED (but your stupid ass sold the books for drug money with your deadbeat monkey boyfriend). she was forgiving because she ACTUALLY had a heart- guess what? I DON'T. I REALIZE I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TO LOSE JUST FOR SOME FAT ASS WHO HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH BEING LIKE HER BIG SISSY SINCE WE WERE YOUNGER (I HUMORED IT BACK THEN BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG BUT NOW THAT YOU ATTEMPT TO DRAG ME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL AND CLING TO ME LIKE MOM DOES- YOU REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT AND FOCUS ON YOUR GED.. NOT ATTEMPTING TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SHORTCUTS BECAUSE IN SCHOOL- I WAS IN THE HONOR ROLL EVERY SEMESTER AND IN SPORTS EVERY SEASON BEFORE I WAS TOO DISABLED TO PARTICIPATE IN THEM BECAUSE I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.. HOWEVER- I STILL MANAGED TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS- YOU GOT WORK TO DO IF YOU WANNA COPY ME SO DAMN BAD). i was thinking while i was doing my hair this morning about how i probably would've been more screwed in the car accident i was in if i hadn't participated in sports before the accident. although- i think my apnea may have caused me to have a bad heart because even when i was lying in bed this morning, my heart was beating irregularly. DO YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF, TUBS?! BE LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! you can't just copy the easy shit in my life and expect to be like me. i'm sure that's why you read my blog every day, so you can attempt to imitate me. you have to be in sports and get A's and some B's in all your subjects. THERE'S NO SHORTCUTS, TUBS. i'm gonna go do my spanish homework now. grandma had said to me on the phone one night and made the observation how i had a good heart and i was a good person but she didn't know about my sister- she was probably influenced by her boyfriend otherwise she could go further in life. she can blame my sister's stupidity on my sister's boyfriend ALL she wants but amy has her own damn brain. she can decide what she does and doesn't wanna do. grandma could try to excuse your stupidity ALL SHE WANTS- but i KNOW better. so you and beavis need to brainstorm how you're gonna get your diploma and participate in sports, then take college courses and work a few jobs.. THEN YOU MIGHT BE JUST LIKE YOUR BIG SISSY! *CLAPS*

interview verdict

i just got back from the most recent interview i've had, i'd say it went good.. probably one of my best interviews (although, she never told me she actually hired me). she asked me some questions and i'm pretty sure that i DID mention that i stayed in an assisted living program when she asked me what made me want to apply to the place. i'm sure i can empathize with residents about certain issues they may have and probably understand better what to do. the woman understood what i said about how i felt like i could understand some of the issues and/or problems residents had and i could help them with them better. when she told me when she'd get back to me, i dug in my bag and i couldn't find any blank pieces of paper right away, so i asked if she could write down when i could expect to hear back from her, she didn't seem bothered at all by my request and said, "yeah!" then she wrote down on a little pamplet for the program so i'd know who was getting back to me and she wrote down when. i honestly don't remember making any mistakes unless you consider being honest about the first question she asked me about what attracted me to apply to the place. i don't think so because she didn't seem at all bothered by it. all i can do is wait now. she'll probably find more qualified people to work the position knowing my luck though.

I NEED TO WORK FOR MY MENTAL WELL BEING.. *EXACTLY* WHY MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) DOESN'T SUPPORT IT!

i went to sabathani to volunteer again, on the way back home from there, i got an email from someone asking me if i could schedule an interview at their facility tomorrow between like 11-4. i remember applying for this job like last week and it feels like i might've interviewed here before. i'm not 100% sure but i'm debating on whether i should reveal my living situation so i can relate to the facility and show familiarity with the setting/environment.. but then i'm not sure if they would assume i'm less capable of working the job? so i might just play it by ear and if the person interviewing me seems like an understanding and not ignorant person.. i'll probably tell them. i don't think my family (except for joe) understands WHY i wanna get a job over wasting my capability and potential just to be a rehabilitation tool JUST so i can make my family appear proactive and supportive of me (WHICH THEY DEFINITELY ARE NOT.. they can't even answer the fuckin phone when the emergency room calls them- YES, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE- other than my mom putting on an act and ACTING overly upset and showing fake concern for ATTENTION). i need to get outta the house and be CONSTRUCTIVE, so i can actually feel USEFUL and i won't have time to think about how much most of my family fuckin sucks for not being more supportive and open-minded and because they're all (except joe and jay) a bunch of fake, entitled, close-minded asses. they don't even TRY to help their VULNERABLE ADULT relative who has worked her ass off to get where she could be truly happy because it'd take too much work and care. AMANDA AND MY MOM DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO HAVE THE DESIRE TO SEE ME TRULY HAPPY AND SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BENEFIT THEIR SELFISH ASSES.

new UNCOMFORTABLE but necessary experiences.

i went to my first mammogram appointment today. it was okay i guess.. nothing i would do by choice. at least it didn't hurt too bad.. it was kinda uncomfortable at times. i'd say it took about an hour- so it wasn't that bad. they asked me if i had a history of breast or ovarian cancer in my family.. i said, "my grandma had cancer in both her breasts." i forgot to tell them about the possible ovarian cancer my mom had. i'm almost positive she had cysts because i'm pretty sure she tried to brag about them when i had some removed. it's just pretty sad to me that you have to relate to your daughter because of the health problems you handed down to her- insinuating that you're just like her because of them. I HAVE PTSD BECAUSE OF YOU, MOM! I'M SURE YOU GET WET OVER THAT! honestly.. just stay out of my life. you can't even take accountability for the surgeries and pain i've endured because of YOU. it's not my fault you can only relate to BAD things in my life which happen to me. EVEN the man who almost killed me took accountability for his actions and apologized profusely and :o HE WASN'T EVEN RELATED TO ME! you're just a bad mom. grow up. bye.
i'm doing my best to keep track of the housing for this new place in massachusetts which has told me they're screening me to see if i'm eligible for housing. i just don't want anything to slip past me- so i lose opportunity at housing AGAIN.

i just won't think about it.

i'm not sure if i should be nervous about the mammogram i'm having tomorrow. i'm just gonna go in with an open-mind and not get worried or nervous because it doesn't help. i'll more than likely get results spotting some sort of cancer soon because of my genetics. whatever. they can act like they care and are "supportive" of me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to them but fuck me for recognizing this abuse. i could give a shit less what they say about me because they clearly don't care about me.. so i don't care about them either (except joe and jay). they also only care when i act like a handicap vulnerable rehab. tool for courage kenny because it makes my family appear "supportive" when i attend that pointless excuse of a distraction because it keeps me from succeeding at MY goals because they don't benefit or appear "caring"! plus- my mom only enjoys getting attention from other people and her "caring" about where i live creates an image to idiots like her which think they're being "loving" or "supportive". you're an idiot like all them other fake morons who want me to attend courage kenny because you can't hide my achievements and what i'm doing for myself and how far i've managed to get in life WITHOUT THE HELP OF MY MOMMY OR AMANDA (WHO MY GRANDMA INSISTED WOULD HELP ME "GET TO NEW YORK!"). i'm convinced that she just doesn't care about me or her own aunt, so she's ignoring what she CLAIMED she'd help me do because i remember when my grandma first died and i spoke to amanda on the phone (when she'd actually talk to me) and she asked me what my plans were, at that time- i told her i wanted to move to new york and she said, "if that's what you wanna do- YOU GOT THIS!". so my naive ass assumed that was her way of telling me she'd actually help me... at least 10 years, close to 11 ago, i'm STILL NOT in new york... i'm still in this damn state. she's not as smart as she thinks she is. she isn't helping me because she doesn't know HOW to. she shouldn't have got my hopes up. if she wasn't up for helping her vulnerable adult of a cousin- she should've been honest. my grandma had a way of getting what she wanted done, so she would've found someone who'd ACTUALLY help me. she proved that when she found tram holloway and he actually got me outta my wheelchair like he said. if you're gonna be so stupid that you think courage kenny helped me get like this OVER listening to the ACTUAL CLIENT herself- you're more stupid than i thought you were and you have less care for me than i thought. YOU GOT THIS!

can't anything *GOOD* get passed down to me?

so genetics may have fucked me AGAIN. i seen in the mirror the other day (i think), on the right side of my eye it's a little spot which is black and blue. i never got hit in the eye. i don't remember what (if anything) my grandma's cataracts looked like but i'm also seeing blotches of a different color in my perifferal vision every now and then. i also get to figure out if it fucked me again this monday after my mammogram. i don't feel any bumps on my boobs but knowing my shitty luck- i have something wrong. who knows though? i take more after my dad physically (skin color, hair color, and physical shape) so i may have nothing to worry about. i had the nurse look at my eye and all she said was, "i don't know- you should show a doctor." i forgot to bring it up to my doctor last week, i feel like maybe i should be having my yearly eye exam- unless i've already had it? can't i get anything GOOD and actually USEFUL when it comes to genetics? doesn't seem like it.
i also looked at my housing account for my massachusetts housing and i'm actually on the 2nd to last FINAL stage in housing. amy (NOT fat, nosey amy) can't come up with any excuses that say it was too fast notice or anything because we already had a meeting about housing in another state and so at least she's aware of my plans. hopefully it goes fast like the last time i got a housing offer from this housing company. God always brings me to better places to live- so i'll just have to keep my faith up. it's not fair because i get the idea that people around here think i'm crazy and i have too much confidence in unrealistic goals just because they're DIFFERENT and INCONVENIENT for them. this is MY life- NOT YOURS. you can't even answer the phone when the emergency room calls you. SOUND FAMILIAR AMANDA? you and dustin can laugh ALL you fuckin want at me. it's not gonna bring me any closer to either of you and for sure- NOT on either of your sad ass levels. worry about yourselves, you sad little twats. laughing at me won't degrade me in any way. ALL THIS FAMILY SUPORT! I WONDER WHY I'M MOVING! *rolls eyes* just because it's all sunshine and rainbows for YOU amanda- does NOT mean it's that way for everyone else- especially with the lack of support and care i get from my mom's mom's side of the family when attempting to live MY OWN life and in general.

everything is really pointless.

so i'm sitting here pondering whether and what i should eat for lunch- i'm not really hungry right now (my stomach doesn't hurt and it's not making noises YET). then it came to me- does it really pay for me to eat anything considering NO ONE will let me do ANYTHING anymore? probably not. i'm starting to understand why some people in nursing homes won't eat. my grandma went long periods without eating towards the end of her life. she looked really skinny towards the end of her life (you could see bruises all over her body and her veins- she always used the excuse that she just had vericous veins). my "caring" family is so negligent that they refuse to acknowledge that they're part of the reason i'm like this. anyone who doesn't understand exactly why i wanna move with ALL this caring support which is only interested on how they appear to others- ARE SERIOUSLY SELFISH AND IGNORANT. *GASP* THAT MEANS YOU AMANDA! if you dicks cared about me as fuckin much as you try to make it seem- YOU'D HAVE KNOWLEDGE THAT I ALREADY ATTENDED COURAGE KENNY AND THAT WAS THE REASON WHY MY GRANDMA WENT OUT ON HER OWN AND FOUND TRAM HOLLOWAY SO I'D ACTUALLY START TO SHOW IMPROVEMENT. COURAGE KENNY DIDN'T HELP ME WITH SHIT. THE MORONS CAN'T EVEN HELP ME TO GET MY FUCKIN DRIVER'S LICENSE AFTER THREE DRIVING EVALUATIONS! DO YOU EVER STOP TO CONSIDER THAT MAYBE IT'S NOT MY ABILITY TO DRIVE?! ESPECIALLY AFTER THREE FUCKIN TIMES OF TAKING THAT SHIT. i told the fitness center when i started going there over 10-maybe 15 years ago that one of my goals was to GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN. they're just taking advantage of my LACK OF ADVOCACY. WHAT A GREAT INSTITUTE! MAKES ME WANNA CONTINUE WASTING MY FUCKIN TIME THERE! SO LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT- THOSE VIDEOS OF ME WALKING AT COURAGE KENNY AREN'T REAL OR IT'S IMAGINARY OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?! *GASP* OR I COULD'VE GOT AI TO DO THEM! maybe to a careless, stupid prick. IF YOU WANNA FUCKIN SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY- YOU GO THERE. jackasses. you're not helping anything but negative thoughts coming to my head about how i'm only good dead. SO FUCK YOU ALL. AMANDA, ESPECIALLY MY DUMB FUCKIN MOM, FAT AMY (MY SISTER). YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYTHING BUT HELPING ME GET MORE FRUSTRATED AND HAVE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. YOU ALL ARE THE REASON FOR MY DEPRESSION. THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I NEVER FUCKING WANTED TO LIVE IN THIS STATE. GO LIVE YOUR HAPPY FUCKING LIFE WITH YOUR GREAT HUSBAND AND KIDS, YOU WERE ACTUALLY ABLE TO MARRY WHO YOU WANTED AND HAVE KIDS- I DON'T HAVE THAT BENEFIT. I CAN'T EVEN GET TO A PLACE WHERE I WOULD WANT THAT TO HAPPEN FOR ME BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF SUPPORT AND ADVOCACY THAT *GASP* I DO NEED AND THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF IT. YOU SERVE ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. FUCK YOU ALL. i don't understand why the fuck my mom ACTSlike she "cares" about me.. SHE NEVER CARED WHEN SHE WAS USING ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER. she always used to tell me, "this is your life! live it how you want!" what happened to that, bum? the story seemed to change after fat amy moved back in with you. so i'm guessing amy is acting like she can tell my mom what to do (which isn't new.. she DID used to hit my mom). so with that said fat amy doesn't like to see people who came from basically the same place as she did ACTUALLY do something with their lives- she's a jealous pig. just because you're only capable of a junior high education does NOT mean you have to drag people who actually work hard for what they can manage to get without resources or advocacy down with you. you people who are putting the brakes on something i've worked my ass off for at least 20 years are NOT DOING YOUR FUCKING JOBS/BEING "CARING" AT ALL. YOU CARE.. ONLY ABOUT YOURSELVES. YOU GOT THIS! YOU'RE A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO REMAIN IN THIS UNOPPORTUNISTIC STATE. just because it's all sunshines and rainbow for you, does NOT make that EVERYONE'S situation.. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT. man.. i am a bad judge of character and from my conclusion- i got that from my grandma.

i got the hint. now i'm outtie.

so i had a doctor's appointment today at like 5:30 ish and it was to retain a doctor's note saying i could drive, so i could get my driver's permit renewed. she said to me when i got into her office while she was looking at her notes, "looks like you're due for a pap.." i said immediately (without thinking), "okay, let's do that today and get it over with." so first she weighed me.. i was 129 lbs. and then she took my height and i must be getting shorter the older i get because i wasn't even 5 ft.. laugh at that ALL you fuckin want (i can think of who i thought was my "friend" more than likely sharing with his family about how i was so short when he met me- i was wondering why a friend would ever try to make their other friend look bad when talking to their family and friends.. it came to me- because they're NOT your "friend"! i'm not really sure what the fuck i am to him but to tell you the truth- i couldn't give a fuck.. maybe that's my period speaking but i've grown tired of being stepped on and being too damn laid back especially after NEARLY being killed by his careless actions..). well.. to top this day off- i should've took the hint when the doctor asked me interested where i was talking about living (i forget if i told her exactly why i wanted to live there), she asked me, "where were you talking about moving to? it wasn't philadelphia.. boston?" then i said, "yeah.. boston concord area.." then i asked her, "oh yeah.. i wanted you to write that note saying i could drive.." then she looked through her notes and said, "well.. who did you take your driving assessment with and when?" and i said, "i took like 2 or 3 at courage kenny and one here.." then she said, "well.. the occupational therapist said after they assessed you in march that they don't recommend that you drive.. it says something about you not being able to stop on time.." i honestly don't remember having difficulty with stopping. so just gathering up all those conversations when i came home- i concluded that the doctor was trying to insinuate that i should do what i've worked my ass off for my whole life and move to the boston/concord area because THEY HAVE A MORE ACCESSIBLE AND AVAILABLE TRANSIT SYSTEM, SO I DON'T EVEN NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING PLACES WITHOUT A LICENSE. ABSOLUTELY NO THANKS GOES OUT TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO "SUPPORT" ME. i still won't forget my grandma telling me some bullshit that "AMANDA HAS ALL THESE PLANS FOR YOU! SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA HELP YOU GET YOUR LICENSE BACK, ALONG WITH A VEHICLE YOU CAN DRIVE!" my grandma was so fuckin naive. AMANDA NEVER "HELPED" ME WITH DRIVING AT ALL DURING MY LIFE. ALL MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS- THAT MEANS YOU MOM, DIDN'T DO SHIT TO HELP ME WITH MY LICENSE EITHER. i'm demanding amy helps me get to massachusetts immediately or it's her job. i don't have time to fuck around during my life. I'M ALMOST A GOD DAMN SENIOR CITIZEN. I'LL BE ELIGIBLE FOR AARP IN 10 FUCKIN YEARS.
i was thinking of how i handled the news that i won't be able to drive again. i might get more pissed off about it later but everything sucks for me- WHAT'S ONE MORE THING? I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE ANYWAY. now i understand why liz was so content with not being able to drive. i'm actually surprised i didn't go off on the doctor when she told me like i went off on the physical therapist at gillette when she told me over 10 years ago that i wouldn't be able to drive. i think i went crazy on her. i'm not sure why i remember destroying her office.. it's weird because fredrick said to me a while ago when i got pissed off at one of the ics workers, i completely snapped and he said even he was afraid. like i go super saiyan when something pisses me off enough. i think that i settled down some after talking to my therapist and getting tips from her on how to settle my temper down. so that may be why i didn't go off on the doctor today after she told me that i wouldn't be able to drive. she DID say she would ask what i could do to help me change the results. she also mentioned that i'm at the age where they order women to have yearly mammograms. it might be a good idea for me to get my jugs looked at considering my grandma had cancer in BOTH of her's and had to actually have them removed. i didn't think the doctor would be able to do a pap smear on me when i have my period but she still did one and said it didn't matter if i had my period. i had this appointment scheduled for probably at least 2 months- so it's not like i planned to have it while i had a pap smear scheduled either.

i THINK i know what to do next..

alright! i found out where the appointment is today from a text from my care coordinator like 5 minutes ago. now i just gotta hope people actually HELP me get what I want done at the appointment. it'd probably be easier and i would've had my driver's license back a long time ago IF people ACTUALLY cared about ME and not how it looks to other people to fulfill their egos. LET ME REMIND YOU IGNORANT FUCKS- I DID NOT GO THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT IN LIFE JUST TO APPEASE MY EGOTISTICAL, ENTITLED FAMILY MEMBERS WHO DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME IF NO ONE IS LOOKING (OH YES.. THAT INCLUDES MY MOM AND AMANDA). if you asses really want to look good in front of other people- go to church and stop worrying about what other people are doing. so basically- fuck off. it's impossible for my mom to take her ass to church because THAT TAKES TOO MUCH WORK FOR HER. she also wouldn't have anything to do with her life if she stopped worrying about what others were doing. i have these hopes that my mom and fat sister will just get so tired of reading me complain about them and mind their own business but i might be overestimating their intelligence though. my sister didn't even make it to high school and my mom thinks she can live life with everyone thinking she's illiterate. amanda doesn't really have any excuses for her ignorance/lack of knowledge. i'm being too optimistic about my own family members.

where is the appointment?..

i went to get a wax today and i came home, i have a doctor's appointment at 5 something. it better not be a pointless appointment because i'm not sure if anyone is coming with me to help advocate for me when i'm getting the letter that says i can drive. i've already taken several behind-the-wheel driving lessons PLUS passed the knowledge test a few times to get my damn driver's permit after those assholes at courage kenny failed me in their driving program twice saying "needs more therapy". my ass- they just need to do a better job at helping people in therapy, so they don't have to rely on lying about their vulnerable adult clients- saying they need more therapy after at least 5 fuckin years and the good for nothin rehabilitation "institute"- they can attempt to gaslight me ALL they fuckin want and say i never went there but WHERE DID THESE VIDEOS COME FROM OF ME PRACTICING WALKING AT COURAGE KENNY THEN?! *gasp* THEY MUST'VE HAPPENED IN MY DREAMS! right amanda and mom?! go fuckin get fat amy to go to courage kenny, she's got mommy's genes- she MUST enjoy attention like her also! that'd give you all something to do since that's clearly the only reason why you're trying to ruin my life by not recognizing all the hard work i've done to get where i am. i was thinking.. and i believe amanda's smart ass just assumes that IF i attended courage kenny as long as i say i did, i'd be wwalking and driving!.. they prey on the clients who don't have KNOWLEDGABLE SUPPORT. so part of the reason why i'm not driving with a valid license and why i fall so much has to do with WHO YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR WHEN YOU LOOK. fact is- I'M A VULNERABLE ADULT AND THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO "SUPPORT" ME JUST DO IT WHEN IT'S BENEFICIAL AND/OR CONVENIENT FOR THEM. take some classes on empathy.. i'm sure there's some out there- they got a class for everything these days. THEN you might be as smart as you seem to think you are. maybe IF you actually took the time and effort to show a little care PERSONALLY you'd know what the hell you're talking about by EXPERIENCE and not because your super kewliez sister-in-law works there, so they HAVE to be "helpful".. it doesn't matter what your OWN family member says when she doesn't show interest in wasting her time there because she has a TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY and that means she's stupid! my grandma was SO WRONG about you. i should've figured that she didn't know what she was talking about after she told me that the US would never have a black president. she was a shitty judge of character- HEY! SO THAT'S WHERE I GET IT FROM! it's just not convenient or beneficial for amanda to advocate for me to drive again. YOU GOT THIS! i wonder if the cop that pulls me over for driving without a driver's license would take that when they ask for my license?! they might arrest me for getting smart with them.. i could try smiling at them when i say it but they might assume i'm a maniac. i wonder if the ics workers know where i need to go for my appointment tonight. i'll try them. hopefully they know or know who to ask because i've tried asking my care coordinator but i'm not sure if he has a different number other than the one i have.

another interview

i think i blew that interview. the interview itself went alright. when the guy interviewing me came, we moved over to another couch directly next to the couch i first sat on when i was waiting for him, so i didn't really have to move that far over to sit down. i stepped to the side to sit on the couch next to me and he seemed so cautious about my mobility and ability to move around, so he asked if i was alright because a person really shouldn't assume things about other people. i said, "heh.. yeah, i'm fine.." then we had the interview and it went fine, of course with my luck i can't have things work out for me.. so i paged my lyft ride using the app and waited for like 5-10 minutes for it to come, it came and i stepped off the curb when i was getting into the vehicle and i expected the driver to take my bag since it's so damn heavy but he seemed confused at taking the iniative to help me adequately on his own and i think i may have got frustrated with his ignorance, even when asking him, "can you take this?" and he said, "what?" then i fell while putting the bag in the vehicle but i was so close to the vehicle, i just managed to fall on the seat. i'm not sure if the hotel i just interviewed with seen what was going on, knowing my luck- they did, because it was on the street right aside from their hotel. whatever. i didn't get hurt but i ruined things if they seen and assume i fall often and they don't wanna deal with that. if amanda assumes courage kenny will help me with this- I HAVE TO REMIND HER NEGLIGENT ENTITLED ASS THAT I ALREADY ATTENDED THERE FOR PROBABLY AT LEAST 5 YEARS AND THEY SHOULD HAVE WORKED ON PREVENTING FALLING BY THEN. SHOWS YOU THE LACK OF QUALITY IN THEIR SERVICES. you can attempt to fuckin gaslight all you want but i KNOW i've already attended that pointless waste of time and the ONLY REAL help i received was from tram holloway because my grandma found him and he told her he'd have me outta my wheelchair and :o I DON'T EVEN OWN A WHEELCHAIR ANYMORE! i'm NOT going back to using one just to make my careless sad excuse of a family appear "caring" because they're shitty ass people other than looking to take advantage of their family members disabilities to make them appear "caring" when they can't EVEN ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE WHEN THE EMERGENCY ROOM CALLS THEM. after that- I KNOW THAT I CAN'T COUNT ON YOU FOR SHIT. joe was the only family member who actually answers the phone. other than my mom- who just starts immediately bawling for attention as soon as i tell her where i am. so, needless to say- I DON'T CALL MY MOM IN EMERGENCIES ANYMORE. crying about shit WON'T help. it's not gonna get me out of the emergency room or erase any pain i'm going through. so just sit the fuck down and go back to your entitled, carefree life- your assistance isn't needed, my grandma was obviously just desperate to find the most responsible person she could think of. she forgot to consider if they'd be understanding and dependant.. both of which you are NOT. if it doesn't benefit you in any way- IT'S A BAD IDEA. pretty damn sad when you get that impression from someone who is supposedly SUPPOSED to "advocate" for you. God is letting me see exactly how much my family doesn't give a damn about me. thanks a lot. except joe- he's the ONLY one who actually cares enough to see me (i take that back somewhat- debbie and rene DID come to see me and take me out for dinner once when i lived in burnsville) and answer the damn phone when and if i call him. it's not like he gets calls from me every day or frequently.. amanda just can't be there for anyone or anything that doesn't benefit her. i just hope that no one from the hotel i interviewed at today seen my difficulty in getting in the vehicle but i think i may have seen someone looking at me while they were inside the hotel and i was getting into the lyft vehicle. i refuse to work at home also since i can't stay motivated or satisfied with at home jobs.. so get that shit outta your head.

the small interview drought is over..

so at least i managed to schedule another interview today at a hotel in minneapolis. something made me check my gmail and i found that they were interested in scheduling an interview today (they had emailed me yesterday and i must've overlooked it or something because the guy asked me if he could schedule an interview with me "tommorow" and so i quick replied to his email asking if he was still available for an interview- he DID email me back like an hour later and he told me some times he'd be available after a meeting he has. so i scheduled the interview- hopefully this will show that i'm available to work at all times and am flexible to work.. i think i'm prepared for the interview. i can't think of anything else i need for my interviews.
i also had the ics worker today get the box full of pictures out of the box i seen them in today when i had ics. i looked through the pictures and i couldn't find any of my pictures when i was in sports when i was younger in the box. there might be another box full of pictures.. i'm just not sure where they are right now. so i'm kinda disappointed about that right now. my happysleep ring didn't work last night because it wasn't charged enough. hopefully they'll still be able to tell by the results of only two days of sleep (so far) what's more appropriate for me but knowing my luck- i doubt it.

fotos?

i was brushing my teeth this morning and i was thinking about this nolan wells' murder.. the murderers have to be his white "friends". THEY WERE THE LAST ONES SEEN WITH HIM AND THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT IN JAIL IS BECAUSE WHO THEIR RELATIVES ARE. must be nice to have relatives that are willing to risk their jobs/positions in government. if this had been a white boy- the black friends would already be fried in the electric chair by now. i was thinking of the pictures i seen of him as a little boy with all his white friends. it reminded me of all my sports pictures when i was younger and i was the only little brown girl with white little girls. the MAIN difference between our situations has to be location.. he was from mississippi. we got racist pricks here- don't get me wrong.. i have a few in my family.. however- the racists in this area are a bunch of pussies who i guarantee would put their tail in between their legs when around black and other minorities here. however.. i grew up on BOTH sides of the track- having a father who was hispanic and a white mother who had custody of my brother and i. so i was basically raised by white people and i basically was raised with white culture (we didn't celebrate mexican holidays). so with that said- i obviously had white relatives who went to school with me growing up- so i'm sure that since they integrated with me, that showed other white kids that i was cool to be around. so i was in school sports growing up.. in fact- i was on the traveling basketball team when i was younger before basketball was offered to everyone to play, i was the only brown girl there too but we didn't see color and all the girls were respectful and nice and the little girls were too young to understand/care about me racist/how i was a different color than them. i'm wondering where the pictures i had of me when i was in the traveling team and other sports in school went.. i thought i got at least one or two of them scanned but i'm not sure what happened to the rest. i know some of them were in my grandma's house when it burnt down (considering i used to basically live with her all through school before i was in a car accident when i needed my mom to physically assist me since i was made disabled). the lady who used to be the supervisor of this program "helped" me clean out my apartment and got rid of a lot of things but she insisted that she didn't throw any pictures away.. so i'm not really sure where the hell they are. i'm gonna check this box laying on my floor but i'm still not sure they're there. i go to sabathani later, i'm really glad i found some escape to this boring ass life which tries to keep me disabled so people can actually feel "useful". it used to be worse the less diverse surroundings i was in.. so it's slowly getting better.. i may be truly happy by the time i'm 70! i happen to relate and feel more comfortable around black people compared to growing up around white people. i'm not sure if it's because black people have never discriminated against me for my color and because they understand what it's like to be a minority/darker person. i remember when i was younger and my grandma tried to make me feel better about being a different color compared to everyone else around me at the time when she said, "OH STACY! IN TWENTY YEARS EVERYONE WILL BE TAN LIKE YOU!" i think she was trying to make me more at ease with being a different color and the ONLY reason why i'm now in an area where people are more "tan" like me is because I took the iniative to get the hell out of the small hick town i came from. i don't know/care if people in the area where i was raised are more "tan" like me.. i doubt it and i don't have enough desire to see. if they can be ignorant.. two can play that game, i guess.

what does this mean for *ME*?

i put in google just now, "if you have shallow breathing, which health problems do you have?" and this popped up: "Shallow breathing (also known medically as tachypnea) occurs when you do not fully expand your lungs, relying only on chest muscles. Common underlying issues include lung conditions (e.g., asthma, COPD, pneumonia, pulmonary embolism), heart conditions (e.g., heart failure), or mental/physical stress (e.g., anxiety or panic attacks)." SO KEEP IT UP MOTHER FROM HELL! you'll be burying your oldest if you and your flying monkeys continue to give me anxiety by NOT MINDING YOUR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS! i may not even have to do anything but breathe in order to get away from you negative, selfish bums! thanks a lot! STALKING ME will NOT stop me from living my life.

should i be concerned?.. hm..

well.. i just looked at my happysleep "my progress" for sleep and it says "79%" under breathing and also "Watch out!".. so that confirms my last post about not being able to breathe. i'm not sure if how much you breathe has any impact on health concerns (it more than likely does- because a person needs to breathe in order to live). oh well. hopefully they find a solution for my breathing before something bad happens to me. it's probably why i used to have long tired sighs at random times of the day.. i'm pretty sure the reason why i don't sigh as much anymore is because i've been using my cpap. needless to say- i yawn a lot during the day and i'm usually tired. my therapist is coming in about 45 minutes, i actually feel a lot better after talking to her. i heard someone ranting about how people share everything about their lives online these days- the only reason why i have this blog is for my memory since i can't remember shit because of my traumatic brain injury. so, unlike a lot of people, i'm NOT "bragging" about my life when i share what happens to me and you're a complete imbecile if you think i am. bragging about the shitty ass parents and all the shit they've done to me.. not to forget the surgeries and conditions i have BECAUSE of them.. i honestly post for MY REFERENCE and to help me express my feelings and thoughts about things because no one seems to give a fuck. if certain sisters think they can relate to me in ANY way- they should ask themselves if they managed to graduate high school WITH HONORS while participating in sports when they were able (i'm sure she still can- there were fat girls on our team). she should ask herself if she also managed to work a job while doing ALL of this. also- if she managed to get her fat ass outta HER WHEELCHAIR even when instructed by doctors NOT TO. point is- if you're gonna try to relate to me- DON'T FORGET MY ACHIEVEMENTS. not just the shit i'm really not proud of- being your sister is one along with having the same mother from hell and i can't forget when you ran off to florida with your deadbeat boyfriend thinking you were so smart and JUST like me. number one- i definitely had better places to go besides floridumb. number two- i had a ROUND-TRIP TICKET (so i intended on returning). copying the things i regret doing does NOT make us the SAME. WERE YOU INJURED WITH A TBI AND PUT IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WHILE STILL GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND THEN DID YOU ALSO TAKE NUMEROUS COLLEGE COURSES TO FIND WHICH JOB WAS RIGHT FOR YOU?! NO. YOU SPREAD YOUR FUCKIN LEGS AT 12 YEARS OLD AND GOT PREGNANT, DROPPED OUTTA SCHOOL IN JUNIOR HIGH I THINK (although- now that i think about it- 12 years old is probably still ELEMENTARY SCHOOL) AND NEVER GRADUATED. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. i was also thinking this morning while laying in bed before i got up about just why the fuck do my stupid sister and cousin care that i move? if you idiots figure you can just put me in charge of taking care of my mom when she needs to be taken care of- so it's not on either of you and because my mom took care of me when i was in my car accident.. let me remind you- it is a PARENT'S RESPONSIBILITY to take care of their child if they're injured and almost killed. it is NOT their children's responsibility to take care of their parents IF they have medical issues themselves and especially NOT if they have traumatic brain injuries and two other healthy siblings and a family who supposedly cares so much about their aunt. i'm not afraid to just shove her in a nursing home because i'm sure that's what she would've done for me if it weren't for my grandparents. SO GO AHEAD AND PUT HER CARE ON ME WHEN IT COMES TIME FOR HER TO NEED "CARE"! I REMEMBER HOW I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR A DAMN SHIELD TO BLOCK MY DAD'S FOOT FROM KICKING HER! my dreams along with the surgeries i've had to have as a result of it WON'T let me forget. selfish bum.

can't breathe..

i was thinking about when i should go to rick's and then i remembered- my driver's permit expired last month! i have a doctor's appointment this thursday to get it renewed and to get permission by a written doctor's note saying i can drive. i remember the last time i had to get a doctor's note- the doctor told me to just come back to them anytime if i needed help advocating for myself to be able to do things. so i could go sometime before thursday but there's also a good chance they wouldn't let me in (even though i'm pretty sure i've ran into this same problem at the airport and they let me go on the plane anyway). i must not look like i'm that harmful of a person? a petite hispanic with a cane!! oh no!
i slept with the happysleep ring on my finger last night to monitor my breathing while i sleep (i'm pretty sure it monitors my blood pressure/heart by just wearing a ring on my finger.. it glows in the dark but i'm not sure if you're supposed to take it off when you wash your hands.. i don't think it matters because the app still detects the ring after i wash my hands with it on and i don't remember anyone telling me not to get it wet or reading anywhere that i wasn't supposed to get it wet). it'll finally monitor how fucked up my breathing is while i sleep. i'm pretty sure douglas told me that there were times he thought i wasn't breathing for a while when he slept by me and i distinctly remember my grandma always getting scared when i would sleep at her house and she'd always shake me and wake me up to make sure i was still alive. i guess this thing is supposed to help them determine which mask (if any) i should sleep with while using my cpap or something like that- i don't remember for sure. it's probably why every now and then i find my throat getting itchy and start to cough for air- sometimes i need water to help me so i don't cough. i used to think my grandma was only coughing all the time because she smoked like a chimney but now i'm pretty sure it was because of her allergies mixed with her apnea.. her smoking didn't help things at all. so genetics fucks me once again.

nosey ass people.

this is just ONE of the biggest reasons i AM moving.. i see about 15 views for my last blog post. i'm not exactly sure YET what that's all about. my sister and i'm assuming other family members feel like they should protect me from things that's NOT ANY of their business. like how my sister felt like she should "protect" her OLDER and much WISER sister from boyfriends or anyone else who may hurt her OLDER sister when she basically stalked me, traced who used to be my boyfriend according to facebook and tried to threaten him (but he's not the sharpest nail in the box- so he took it as she was interested in him, so he flipped it and started hitting on her- she told me and i dumped him- i don't have time for that shit.. HOWEVER- even though she helped show me what kind of a person he was- she should've minded her own business.. because let me remind you- i AM OLDER and much WISER). i kinda get the feeling that either my sister, mom, or some other nosey ass family member that just needs to mind their OWN fucking business are trying to act all tough and they may be planning to attempt to "help" me.. you wanna help me? you REALLY wanna help me? mind your fuckin business. end of story. i've got myself THIS far in life.. WITHOUT THE HELP OF A NARCISSISTIC BUM OF A MOM OR IGNORANT ASS FAMILY MEMBERS. what about after my car accident when someone needed to take care of me (her flying monkey is attempting to look "smart")?.. well MONKEY.. you ARE a PARENT.. so in that case- you SHOULD understand the responsibilities of a CARING PARENT. the children of that parent are NOT SUPPOSED to be held hostage to a level of living their parent only had the intelligence and desire to be at. i hope antonio or lily leave you when they get older and don't talk to you EVER again so you can see exactly why they chose to cut all contact off with you (because you didn't respect their choices and were controlling). judging by how you're more than likely giving my mom tips on how to parent- THEY JUST MIGHT DO THAT!! *CLAPS* mind your fuckin business. ALL situations are NOT the SAME. you people should know me by experience and you also should know how IF i wanted help with something- I'D TELL YOU ALL. that's another reason why i'm moving- because my family doesn't know how to mind their own god damn business or COMMUNICATE with each other properly.. the further i am away from all you ignorant asses, the happier i'll be. so in other words- my family does NOT make me want to remain in this unopportunistic state. if my family REALLY wanted to protect me- they'd be keeping my mom as far AWAY from me as possible and would be minding their business. you are quite possibly the biggest reason why i don't want to live here anymore. with sad excuses of "support" attempting to show "care" for me by telling me "you got this!" while communicating with me once in a blue moon and not offering me any support or care or advice (encouraging me to attend some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation center" i've ALREADY attended and stopped attending because i recognized they weren't helping me progress in life with ANYTHING and were just taking advantage ofmy LACK of care and advocacy.. they just liked appearing like they were actually assisting me, so they only helped me get so far in therapy and remain at that strength and ability so they could continue getting paid by insurance- oh but all of a sudden you're "supportive" of me going to that dump WHEN MY GRANDMA PROMISED ME THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ATTEND THAT DUMP ONCE SHE DIED BECAUSE "AMANDA WILL HAVE YOU IN NEW YORK!" *yawn* what she was UNAWARE of was that YOU are just as NAIVE as her- IF NOT MORE. plus you don't care enough about me to actually TRY to help me. it's like i can't get to a stage in life that's inconvenient for some bums who just "care" about me whenever it's CONVENIENT or BENEFICIAL for them- ESPECIALLY when it doesn't make my family appear more "caring" and "supportive" than they really are. i'm assuming my overweight sister with a jr. high education is reading this and is amused by this. it's like she expects the more she reads my blog.. her fat ass will magically turn into me. what do you have to say about that FLYING MONKEY? my family (except for joe and jay) are the biggest motivations to move as FAR away from this sorry ass state. i never used to be this bothered by them- but they may possibly be the biggest reason. they're probably proud of this also. THEY DON'T CARE. THEY CARE MORE ABOUT THEIR AMUSEMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO GET THEMSELVES OUTTA THIS SHIT, SO GENERATIONS AFTER ME DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT (abuse from PARENTS which results in numerous surgeries, ptsd, i'm sure there's more medical conditions caused by them). i took a shower this morning and i looked at my stomach while in the shower- I LOOK LIKE A DAMN VOODOO DOLL ALL STITCHED UP FROM SURGERIES THAT I NEEDED TO HAVE BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE A BUNCH OF SELFISH ASSHOLES- BOTH OF THEM along with my tracheotomy scar on my neck which i needed to have because of a drunk driver and i needed a way to breathe after the car accident caused by him. what's new? i got scars because of another person's NEGLIGENCE?! at least the drunk driver had enough integrity and respect for me to apologize for it.. UNLIKE MY ENTITLED BUM OF A MOM. if amanda figured that having my mom in this state would give me more desire to stay here- SHE'S OBVIOUSLY MORE NAIVE AND UNINFORMED THAN I THOUGHT. "OOO! HER MOM IS IN MINNESOTA AND SHE WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE HER MOM JUDGING BY THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH MY MOM!" EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT SITUATIONS IN LIFE, EINSTEIN. so all you jackasses should stop trying to make it look like you actually "care" and go the fuck away. you're obviously not going to help me get what I want done in life.. ESPECIALLY IF IT ISN'T CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL FOR YOU.

ah well.

alright.. douglas told me on my birthday that since we couldn't go to rick's cabaret on tuesday- we'd just go this weekend when he could change his clothes and shoes. thing is, i'm not really sure it's a wise thing to do because i'm also thinking he might make me pay for him again- he asked me for some money to gamble with on tuesday.. i was just so happy to get outta the house that i didn't even think of telling him he had to use his own money (considering it WAS MY BIRTHDAY). whatever. i think i only gave him $200 at the most. he might try to have me pay his way into rick's cabaret if we go there- so i don't really wanna put myself in the position where he asks me for money to pay his way into the club and i have to tell him to pay his own way in. fredrick told me after i told him about when we went to the casino that he didn't like seeing people take advantage of me. whatever- people either ignore my existance or take advantage of me. that's what i get for living in this state.